East Asia and I

What does it mean to be East Asian? I find myself coming back to this question over and over again as I come of age.

In 4th grade, I was thrown into a completely new environment in an international school in Hanoi, Vietnam. Having grown up in Beijing, China, I knew East Asia as my home and was not aware of the world outside of it. As the only Chinese person in a school with a strong Western presence, I had a difficult time conversing with my peers, as I tried very hard to pick up English as my second language and faced the cultural shock that this Western bubble was bringing me. As I struggled to understand the language, mannerisms, and cultural norms practiced by those around me, I asked myself the question for the first time: what does it mean to be East Asian?

Unfortunately, just as I was getting comfortable, a time of geopolitical tension between China and Vietnam came. It was over some island in the South China Sea that I’ve never heard of, but its impact on my life was immediate: the local news in Hanoi depicted the Chinese, my people, as manipulative and evil. As a result, my newly formed friendships were challenged, people gathered in front of where I lived at the time to protest, and for the first time in my life, I felt scared to be Chinese. When the words of the protesters snuck through my headphones while I struggled to fall asleep, I asked myself: is this what it takes to be East Asian?

It was time to return home. Enrolled in a local middle school, I felt foreign. Somehow, although everyone around me shared the same yellow skin and black hair as I did, I didn’t watch the cartoons they did, I wasn’t as good at math as most of them, and I struggled to speak even my own language sometimes. With the upcoming Zhongkao, it seemed that academic excellence was all there was: the kids with good grades were not only favored by teachers and parents but also the most popular among their peers. Having no other option, I tried extremely hard to “climb the ranks” in order to come closer to the image of the “merit student” that everyone around me was also working towards. To me back then, that was what being East Asian meant.

An unexpected turn of events and a scholarship later, I found myself living in a math and science high school dormitory in Singapore. Being labeled a “Chinese scholar” in my high school, my local friends had an expectation of me: all the previous “Chinese scholars” who came before me excelled academically in one way or another, so I must be one of them. Indeed, my fellow “Chinese scholars” were brilliant in one way or another, and it seemed almost impossible to play catch-up. Being raised to not disappoint, I devoted all my free time to academics. It did not matter whether it was linear algebra or calculus, I started laying down my own foundations of mathematics. With my head deep in math textbooks and binders full of hand-written notes, a question sometimes comes across my mind: is this what being East Asian means?

Luckily, I found great joy in studying mathematics, eventually discovering my passion for the subject and algorithmic thinking, which brought me to the United States, where I believe can provide me with the best education in the subject. Working with wonderful individuals coming from all over the world, I am constantly learning about the cultures, societies, and ways of thinking of places far from my own. I converse with people with upbringings vastly different from my own trying to understand their perspectives of the world and contrast it with my own. In my busy college life trying to pursue my passion and dreams, I always make time to reflect and ponder: What does it mean to be East Asian?

This essay was originally written for ASIA 229: Modern East Asia.